In Imitation of Jonathan Swift

Satire is dangerous ground for a writer; people tend to take you literally and be offended by your work. I’ve read that this was what happened to Jonathan Swift when he wrote his satirical essay, ‘A Modest Proposal’. I’m not anywhere near the writer that Swift was but I can admire and appreciate his work and in the spirit of sincere flattery, I offer my own ‘Modest Proposal’.

A Modest Proposal:

For Preventing the Poor People of Mexico From Overwhelming the United States

And Taking All the Jobs Our Workers Need in Order To Survive.

Our Beloved President Elect, God save him and Allah grant him peace, being a very smart person, has made us aware that there is a problem in Mexico. A swarm of Mexican Criminals is surging across the border, and spreading across these United States like a plague. This cannot be allowed to continue. The advocates of political correctness have advocated respect for the so-called human rights of these thugs and rapists; they’re afraid to touch these people, much less lock them up and send them back. Our smart person has proposed a solution. He wants to build a wall.

Now he’s a smart person so he knows that this is no small undertaking. It’s going to cost some bucks. A lot of bucks. But he’s figured it out and no one needs to break out in a cold sweat over what this will mean for our taxes.

You see, the Mexicans will pay; he’ll make them.

The Mexican President had a few choice words to say on that topic; I don’t want to offend anyone so I won’t repeat them here but I’m sure that you can use your imagination on that and pretty much hit the mark.

I can sum up the Mexican sentiments for you – ‘Hell no!

Naturally, they say it in Spanish, or whatever language it is they speak when it’s just them in the room. I foresee a bit of a problem here.

The first difficulty is in the cost of the wall itself. The President Elect (may the members of the Electoral College remain steadfast in their bounden duty) thinks that the wall will cost maybe five billion dollars. He is basing this estimate on the labor costs to which he has become accustomed as an experienced builder of monumental buildings. Mexican labor comes cheap. The exchange rate is 0.049 cents to one peso. But if we’re talking about building a wall to exclude Mexican labor, we’re going to have to hire American workers to do the job and that, according to some expert estimates, will jack the cost up to around twelve billion dollars.

The second difficulty is in the plan to secure the financial support of the Mexican government. Very cleverly, the President Elect proposes to blackmail the Mexican government. You see, all these Mexican thugs and rapists, when they take a break from all their robbing and raping, are very concerned about the wives, sisters, mothers and children they left back in Chihuahua and to whom they, very religiously, send lots of loot back to buy food and clothes and pay the rent. The experts estimate that it comes out to about twenty-four billion dollars annually.

Put simply, the President Elect, once the Electoral College does their duty, may Allah grant them wisdom, will decree that all money-transfer agents are in fact banking institutions and a wire transfer is an account. This will effectively prevent undocumented Mexicans workers from sending money back to their estranged wives and children, sisters and mothers.

Now here’s the stroke of genius.

The President Elect will then suspend the implementation of the new decree as long as the Mexican government agrees to pay for the wall. For them, the Mexicans, it will be a simple calculation. To ensure the continuation of the inflow of foreign exchange from the U.S., they will have to pay up – five billion to get twenty-four – a no-brainer in anyone’s accounting. The bug in the program, and it’s a big one, is that there’s no way to prevent the undocumented from getting one of his documented cousins or friends to wire the funds home for him. No way to ensure the stranglehold on the cashflow.

What we need is a solution that will employ Mexicans at home, and serve the US economy in a less threatening way. American workers for American jobs. We don’t need Mexican rapists here. Let them stay in Mexico and rape Mexicans. We’ve more than enough rapists here to satisfy the domestic demand for rape. This will cut the pressure on Mexican thugs and rapists to cross the border and enter the U.S. to find work. Experts call that ‘eliminating the push factor’. I’ve given the matter some long and careful thought and conducted many hours of research on Google and Bing. I’ve also talked with some very smart people and described in detail my suggestions. They all agree that my proposal has merit.

The thing is that Mexico City is sinking into the lake on which it was built.

The city was actually founded by the Aztecs as Tenochtitlan, on an islet in Lake Texcoco. Those ancients were smart enough to build an artificial island to surround their creation, keeping it safe and dry but as the years passed, the problems grew. The modern city, Mexico City, is standing on a huge bog into which it’s slowly sinking.

As the population of the city grew, so did its demand on the aquifer under the city and this draw-down of the ground water has exacerbated the problem. As they pumped the water out and drank it, the city sank even faster. So maybe now ‘slowly’ is not the word. Some say it’s going at a rate of three feet per year. Is that slowly? Perhaps. Whatever. It’s sinking, and its twenty-odd million inhabitants need a solution, quickly.

On top of that, literally, they’re accumulating mountains of garbage at a prodigious rate. My people tell me that it’s twelve thousand tons of garbage per day, give or take a few pounds. So between the sinking into the bog and the deluge of garbage threatening to bury it, Mexico City looks like a goner.

But wait, in every crisis there’s an opportunity. All we need is an infusion of entrepreneurial enthusiasm and some enterprising capitalists to jump on it. There’s money to be made here.

You begin by declaring Mexico City uninhabitable and you move all the people out to other parts of the country. It’s a big place; there’s lots of room. To pay for the move, you establish water bottling plants around the city and pump out the aquifer as hard as you can. People will buy Mexican Water. Trust me, we’ll sell a lot of water. More than enough to pay for the relocation of some Mexicans. We can even carry the President Elect’s brand on it. Trump Water. Think of it. Doesn’t that make you thirsty?

More than the money though, pumping out all the water will make the city sink even faster. Which will facilitate the next step.

You declare the city an International Garbage Dump and charge money for its use. American manufacturers, made liable for disposing of the waste they produce, will happily pay for the convenience of a Mexican Dump. Pumping out the aquifer will then be seen for the genius it is as the city and the garbage slowly sink into the Earth. And the labor opportunity thus created will eliminate the ‘pull factor’ in the view of many experts.

This plan will pay for itself many times over. It will create jobs for Mexicans, in Mexico; solve the problem of the subsidence of Mexico City; and take care of all the garbage from Mexico and the United States. It’ll make tons of money for investors and it won’t cost the American Taxpayer a single dime.

Beautiful.

 

About neiladaniel

Self published writer of sci-fi, fantasy, poetry, so far.
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